Step 1; Day 3

Learn as you go.

Question 8: How can I let go of others' problems without trying to solve them?

Detach with love. Wasn't that easy to say? For starters, I can stop giving my son Rudy money. Today he wanted to go to the beach, so I gave him $5. I am annoyed at myself. It is so hard for me not to give him a little bit of cash even though that little bit of cash adds up to a lot by the end of the month. It not only hurts me financially, but it is hurting him because he is not learning to be self sufficient.

I could have a talk with him and say, "These are your problems. Not my problems. And they are your problems to solve. Do not ask me for money anymore."

Tomorrow I will give him some money for gas to get a job. I will talk with him first and tell him--this is it. He shouldn't ask me for any more money. Instead of getting a job, he will probably start pawning stuff, but if he does, he does.

I can't *make* him get a job. I can only stop giving him money, which I frankly don't have right now.

Question 9: Am I looking for a quick fix to my problems? Is there one?

I am always looking for quick fixes, but alas, they rarely exist. There is no quick fix for my problems. I always think more money will fix things, but even when I had a lot in the bank in May, I managed to go through it at lightning speed--trying to fix Rudy's problems.

I need to change because I keep landing in the same place.

I am wondering if writing the answers to all these questions is actually helping me. I always think it doesn't count unless it's written down.

A topic at a meeting the other day was "self discovery." After the meeting, it occurred to me I didn't even know where to begin. True, I am pretty well versed in my flaws, but it doesn't keep me from making the very same mistakes over and over again. I have to fundamentally change my behavior, which won't be easy since I am used to doing things the same dysfunctional ways for decades.

Question 10: In what situations do I feel excessive responsibility for other people?

If anyone is in trouble with the law, particularly my son, I feel excessive responsibility to help him. I have a raging fear of jails and prisons. I also feel responsible for my son having or not having money. I feel responsible for him having a roof over his head and food to eat.

Unlike many Al Anon people I hear, I am not by nature a caregiver. This is something that is particular to my son.

Question 11: In what situations do I feel shame or embarrassment for someone else's behavior?

Rudy is well behaved and polite. He is kind to children and the elderly, and I can't remember ever being ashamed of his behavior. Okay, there was that one time at the police station when he got arrested for the DUI, and he was a real little prick to the cops.Of course, I'm usually a prick to cops, too,

I am embarrassed when people ask me what he's doing. Is he in college? Is he working? No. He's doing nothing other than drinking and smoking pot. And mostly, he sleeps all day. That's why I gave him the $5. I thought it would be good for him to be in the sunshine. Still no excuse.

C, my on-again off-again beau, can be a sloppy ass drunk. He can be a really embarrassing drunken ass, and he has been disrespectful to me in public, too; although, he seems to have gotten over that. At any rate, we haven't talked for a while. I don't know where we stand. Probably no where.

Question 12:  What brought me into Al Anon? What did I hope to gain at that time? How have my expectations changed?

I went to Al Anon because I was headed for another nervous breakdown. Also, I realized Rudy's behavior wouldn't change unless my behavior changed. I went to Al Anon for the both of us because I had completely run out of any other ideas. I was also incredibly angry at myself. I had been living in a small, cheap place in another town, and I had saved up a nice little bit of money. I was planning on buying a place. Then I scrambled around to move to accommodate Rudy who wanted to come back up here, work, and go to school. So I spent as much money to rent a place as it would have cost to buy one. First month, last month, and security--life in the recession. But I was appalled that I was so stupid to fall for the same old trick again. I don't doubt that's what he wanted to do, but he fell in with his old crowd. But even most of those dope fiends have jobs.

This is not my first go round in Al Anon by any means, but I was looking for support to change my behavior--to stop catering to my son's whims and schemes.

My expectations have changed because when I first came into Al Anon, I was really depressed. I didn't care if I were dead. I figured I had totally failed as a parent and therefore as a human being, so what difference did it make what happened to me? I was having suicidal thoughts, and now I have a garage. I was constantly stressed out about money and Rudy.

Now, I see the program is just about me. There might be good collateral affect on Rudy, but that's not something I can control. I can see that possibly I am worth something. I am seeing that possibly I can learn to live life and face life on life's terms. I also know that the changes won't happen overnight, but already, there have been positive results. I am not depressed and I am not constantly worrying over Rudy and I'm not constantly fretting over money. Okay, I'm still fretting over money--but not in the all-consuming way I usually do. I am also feeling that things will be all right.

Question 13: Who has expressed concern about my behavior? My health? My children? Give examples.

When things are bad, I tend to isolate so no one will see I'm in a bad way. S expressed concern when I was so determined to rent a new place instead of staying where I was and buying a place. My mother and even Rudy worry me to death about my health. I have been blessed with very good health despite living an unhealthy lifestyle. Other than Rudy and my mother, however, I'm not too sure anyone is that concerned about me.

Question 14: How do I know when my life is unmanageable?

I know my life is unmanageable when I have to borrow money. Luckily, I do have an okay net worth and little debt, but cash flow is a constant problem. I just got a credit card, and it has a low limit. I am still reestablishing my credit from when I had a breakdown. My life has become more manageable because my horizons have closed in--which is not a particularly good solution. Still, I ended up having to borrow a grand from S. for this move, and I hoped to pay him back this month--but no such luck. Unexpected expenses came up--I needed new brakes on the truck, the cats needed their shots (okay--not unexpected), and when I had a surfeit of cash, I didn't pay attention to where it was going.

It is true that money is a major measurement for everything for me. I probably have to think about that at some point.

Also, I have many fights with Rudy when things are unmanageable. I want his help, but he offers none. Well, he does things like bring in groceries and take out the trash. Before Rudy went to live with my mother in another state, things were really out of hand. I had to scramble to pay lawyers, the IRS was on my back as was the state, we got evicted from the apartment. That was a really charming piece of history. And, of course, in 2005, I had to sell the house because I was in huge debt (over 100K), and I had a breakdown.

I went to Al Anon because I didn't want to go back there again.

Step 1; Day 2

At a meeting this morning I heard the following:

I need to change because I'm the one doing the suffering.

I'm going to take notes at meetings. Otherwise, I will forget many reasons why I am there to begin with.



Question 5: What means have I used to get what I want and need? What might work better to get my needs met?

This is an impossible question since I don't even know what I want half the time. A friend once asked me, "What does Stacy want?"  I had no clue. For a long time I've felt like my now sad, small existence was my lot in life, and I just needed to deal. What I wanted (even if I knew) and what I needed seemed totally irrelevant. The only things I could say for sure I wanted was for my son to be safe, healthy, and happy, and I wanted a lot of cash for security and to play the stock market.

Let's go with those two things. In my quest to secure a safe, healthy, and happy life for my son, I spent money like crazy. I paid tuition for military school, I paid tuition for another private school, I took a felony wrap for him (I got off through accelerated rehabilitation), I spent tons on lawyers getting him out of trouble for accessory to car theft, 2 DUIs, and I had to pay a lawyer to defend me for the felony I didn't commit. He was also arrested for criminal trespassing, and we fled the state for a year. Later I got it straightened out with a friend who was friends with the DA.

I am not ready to say I did the wrong thing at that time. I did not want him having a felony on his record at such a young age. Had I not taken the wrap for the felony, he would have gotten sent to some juvenile facility. This is not Al Anon thinking--but at his age, I felt the consequences were more serious than the actions. (He did not steal a car--he was only riding in it--and I don't think he knew it was stolen.)

Now, however, he is 21. I can't protect him anymore, and he has to live with his own choices. Perhaps that's what I should have done in the past, but that's water under the bridge. Still, I have a son who believes rules don't apply to him (and I taught him this), and there was always going to be an unlimited supply of money.

But enough about him. I love trading stocks, but I have lost a lot of money on the stock market. I am as good as the next person at trading--I can read charts, etc., but I sabotage myself. In the end, I lose money because I can't get out of bad trades. I know this, and watch my money dwindle away. I am not psychologically suited to trade because as soon as things start going well, I sabotage myself. The stock market is just one example. I have sabotaged every aspect of my life.

                                                                                                                  



To better get my needs met, I need to take control over my own life and my own money. I have to stop enabling my son--and I still do so by giving him money. At least he hasn't gotten in trouble with the law for some time. I need to separate what I need from the obligation I have to others--specifically my son and my mother.

I need to think before I act, I need to keep the focus on myself. I need to learn how to write about my feelings. I need to know what all of this even means. Things are better since I've been attending Al Anon meetings--100% better as far as my relationship with my son. Financially, I'm struggling right now, but maybe I focus too much on money. Maybe the money will take care of itself.

I need to call my sponsor and ask for advice. I need to call more Al Anon members for answers.

Question 6: How do I feel when the alcoholic refuses to be and do what I want? How do I respond?

I used to respond with anger and sarcasm and threats, but that got me nowhere. I realize my son has a disease, so I now have compassion for him. I didn't realize how my words hurt him and made things worse.
Last night he wanted to borrow my truck. I wanted him to take out the trash and bring up a case of water. I gave him the keys after he'd done these tasks. I know, I know. I shouldn't have lent him my truck when he has his own car (that had no gas)--and the car, well, that was a gift from his grandmother.

I still have a long way to go with enabling. I will talk to my sponsor about making a plan. Or not making a plan.

There are so many things I don't know how to handle on my own, but at least today I don't feel overwhelmed. I know there is help out there. I have a sponsor, meetings, and a Higher Power.

Question 7: What would happen if I stopped trying to change the alcoholic or anyone else?


I would be less frustrated and angry because my efforts to change my son have been fruitless. I don't know what would happen. Maybe things would stay the same--maybe not. His attitude has improved since I have stopped nagging him, but he is still drinking and smoking pot, and he still doesn't have a job.If he had a job, however, or was making a serious effort to look, I would be in denial that he was an alcoholic.

But the nagging leads nowhere, and throwing money at the problem (the recent move to accommodate his plans to work and return to college) are a dead end road.

Step 1: We admitted we were powerless over alcohol--that our lives had become unmanageable

I decided to return to Al Anon (for the fourth time). The other three times I quit after my qualifiers moved out. It was good support, but deep down, I really didn't think *I* needed to change. After my son moved back in, and I once again found life unmanageable, I decided to go back to Al Anon, but this time, I was serious. I got a sponsor and decided to actually work the steps.

I bought the book Path to Recovery, which talks about each step and then lists questions in the back. I'm just going to answer the questions, which I'll reprint here--probably in violation of copyright--but I'll take my chances.

Question 1:  Do I accept that I cannot control another person's drinking? Another person's behavior?

Yes. I accept that. I didn't cause it. I can't control it. I can't cure it. I can't control anyone's behavior either. They are going to do what they are going to do. Did I make some mistakes in the past? Absolutely. But the past is over, and there's nothing I can change about the past now. I must start where I find myself.

Question 2: How do I recognize that the alcoholic is an individual with habits, characteristics, and ways of reacting to daily happenings that are different from mine?

                                                                                                 
This is a hard question. Maybe it is a hard question because I don't know the answer. I don't think of my son as an individual. I think of him as my son. I see his actions in terms of what I would do, or what I did, or what I know--and if he would only listen and take my advice, he could benefit from my experience, and he could have a better life than I have. But first, I'm realizing how messed up I still am, and I'm realizing he is an individual--not just my co-dependent.

Since I have been going to Al Anon the past three weeks, there has been very little discord in the house, and I am beginning to notice things about him. He has very bad nerves. Perhaps this is because of the drinking. He is also being more cooperative.

Still, I have to work on seeing him as an individual--a person apart from me.

Questions 3: Do I accept that alcoholism is a disease? How does that change how I deal with the drinker?

                                                                  
Yes. I am much kinder to my son. I am not nagging and sarcastic, but I still enable him. I am working on the enabling part, though, but it scares me. At a meeting the other night, someone said, "I used to think if I didn't do this, my son would die." I knew exactly what the person meant. On the other hand, when my son was younger, I feel my job was to just keep him alive. I still feel that way, but that's an issue I have to turn over to God.

Question 4: How have I tried to change others in my life? What were the consequences?


Other than my son, I have really never been big on trying to change people. I never thought I had the power to change people, and I was right, but this attitude was more grounded in helplessness than powerlessness. I thought people could be changed, I just couldn't do it. I wasn't Machiavellian enough. I always admired people like my old love Victor who could control and manipulate everyone. Of course, eventually they caught on and turned on him, but I envied his talent at manipulation.

The consequences of trying to change my son? Nothing changed. He grew older and has managed to stay out of trouble for the past three years (knock on wood), but the same issues are there and the same problems. Things only began to improve after I entered Al Anon.

Okay. That's enough for tonight. May your Higher Power be with you.