Step 1: We admitted we were powerless over alcohol--that our lives had become unmanageable

I decided to return to Al Anon (for the fourth time). The other three times I quit after my qualifiers moved out. It was good support, but deep down, I really didn't think *I* needed to change. After my son moved back in, and I once again found life unmanageable, I decided to go back to Al Anon, but this time, I was serious. I got a sponsor and decided to actually work the steps.

I bought the book Path to Recovery, which talks about each step and then lists questions in the back. I'm just going to answer the questions, which I'll reprint here--probably in violation of copyright--but I'll take my chances.

Question 1:  Do I accept that I cannot control another person's drinking? Another person's behavior?

Yes. I accept that. I didn't cause it. I can't control it. I can't cure it. I can't control anyone's behavior either. They are going to do what they are going to do. Did I make some mistakes in the past? Absolutely. But the past is over, and there's nothing I can change about the past now. I must start where I find myself.

Question 2: How do I recognize that the alcoholic is an individual with habits, characteristics, and ways of reacting to daily happenings that are different from mine?

                                                                                                 
This is a hard question. Maybe it is a hard question because I don't know the answer. I don't think of my son as an individual. I think of him as my son. I see his actions in terms of what I would do, or what I did, or what I know--and if he would only listen and take my advice, he could benefit from my experience, and he could have a better life than I have. But first, I'm realizing how messed up I still am, and I'm realizing he is an individual--not just my co-dependent.

Since I have been going to Al Anon the past three weeks, there has been very little discord in the house, and I am beginning to notice things about him. He has very bad nerves. Perhaps this is because of the drinking. He is also being more cooperative.

Still, I have to work on seeing him as an individual--a person apart from me.

Questions 3: Do I accept that alcoholism is a disease? How does that change how I deal with the drinker?

                                                                  
Yes. I am much kinder to my son. I am not nagging and sarcastic, but I still enable him. I am working on the enabling part, though, but it scares me. At a meeting the other night, someone said, "I used to think if I didn't do this, my son would die." I knew exactly what the person meant. On the other hand, when my son was younger, I feel my job was to just keep him alive. I still feel that way, but that's an issue I have to turn over to God.

Question 4: How have I tried to change others in my life? What were the consequences?


Other than my son, I have really never been big on trying to change people. I never thought I had the power to change people, and I was right, but this attitude was more grounded in helplessness than powerlessness. I thought people could be changed, I just couldn't do it. I wasn't Machiavellian enough. I always admired people like my old love Victor who could control and manipulate everyone. Of course, eventually they caught on and turned on him, but I envied his talent at manipulation.

The consequences of trying to change my son? Nothing changed. He grew older and has managed to stay out of trouble for the past three years (knock on wood), but the same issues are there and the same problems. Things only began to improve after I entered Al Anon.

Okay. That's enough for tonight. May your Higher Power be with you.