Step 1; Day 2

At a meeting this morning I heard the following:

I need to change because I'm the one doing the suffering.

I'm going to take notes at meetings. Otherwise, I will forget many reasons why I am there to begin with.



Question 5: What means have I used to get what I want and need? What might work better to get my needs met?

This is an impossible question since I don't even know what I want half the time. A friend once asked me, "What does Stacy want?"  I had no clue. For a long time I've felt like my now sad, small existence was my lot in life, and I just needed to deal. What I wanted (even if I knew) and what I needed seemed totally irrelevant. The only things I could say for sure I wanted was for my son to be safe, healthy, and happy, and I wanted a lot of cash for security and to play the stock market.

Let's go with those two things. In my quest to secure a safe, healthy, and happy life for my son, I spent money like crazy. I paid tuition for military school, I paid tuition for another private school, I took a felony wrap for him (I got off through accelerated rehabilitation), I spent tons on lawyers getting him out of trouble for accessory to car theft, 2 DUIs, and I had to pay a lawyer to defend me for the felony I didn't commit. He was also arrested for criminal trespassing, and we fled the state for a year. Later I got it straightened out with a friend who was friends with the DA.

I am not ready to say I did the wrong thing at that time. I did not want him having a felony on his record at such a young age. Had I not taken the wrap for the felony, he would have gotten sent to some juvenile facility. This is not Al Anon thinking--but at his age, I felt the consequences were more serious than the actions. (He did not steal a car--he was only riding in it--and I don't think he knew it was stolen.)

Now, however, he is 21. I can't protect him anymore, and he has to live with his own choices. Perhaps that's what I should have done in the past, but that's water under the bridge. Still, I have a son who believes rules don't apply to him (and I taught him this), and there was always going to be an unlimited supply of money.

But enough about him. I love trading stocks, but I have lost a lot of money on the stock market. I am as good as the next person at trading--I can read charts, etc., but I sabotage myself. In the end, I lose money because I can't get out of bad trades. I know this, and watch my money dwindle away. I am not psychologically suited to trade because as soon as things start going well, I sabotage myself. The stock market is just one example. I have sabotaged every aspect of my life.

                                                                                                                  



To better get my needs met, I need to take control over my own life and my own money. I have to stop enabling my son--and I still do so by giving him money. At least he hasn't gotten in trouble with the law for some time. I need to separate what I need from the obligation I have to others--specifically my son and my mother.

I need to think before I act, I need to keep the focus on myself. I need to learn how to write about my feelings. I need to know what all of this even means. Things are better since I've been attending Al Anon meetings--100% better as far as my relationship with my son. Financially, I'm struggling right now, but maybe I focus too much on money. Maybe the money will take care of itself.

I need to call my sponsor and ask for advice. I need to call more Al Anon members for answers.

Question 6: How do I feel when the alcoholic refuses to be and do what I want? How do I respond?

I used to respond with anger and sarcasm and threats, but that got me nowhere. I realize my son has a disease, so I now have compassion for him. I didn't realize how my words hurt him and made things worse.
Last night he wanted to borrow my truck. I wanted him to take out the trash and bring up a case of water. I gave him the keys after he'd done these tasks. I know, I know. I shouldn't have lent him my truck when he has his own car (that had no gas)--and the car, well, that was a gift from his grandmother.

I still have a long way to go with enabling. I will talk to my sponsor about making a plan. Or not making a plan.

There are so many things I don't know how to handle on my own, but at least today I don't feel overwhelmed. I know there is help out there. I have a sponsor, meetings, and a Higher Power.

Question 7: What would happen if I stopped trying to change the alcoholic or anyone else?


I would be less frustrated and angry because my efforts to change my son have been fruitless. I don't know what would happen. Maybe things would stay the same--maybe not. His attitude has improved since I have stopped nagging him, but he is still drinking and smoking pot, and he still doesn't have a job.If he had a job, however, or was making a serious effort to look, I would be in denial that he was an alcoholic.

But the nagging leads nowhere, and throwing money at the problem (the recent move to accommodate his plans to work and return to college) are a dead end road.