Step 1; Day 3

Learn as you go.

Question 8: How can I let go of others' problems without trying to solve them?

Detach with love. Wasn't that easy to say? For starters, I can stop giving my son Rudy money. Today he wanted to go to the beach, so I gave him $5. I am annoyed at myself. It is so hard for me not to give him a little bit of cash even though that little bit of cash adds up to a lot by the end of the month. It not only hurts me financially, but it is hurting him because he is not learning to be self sufficient.

I could have a talk with him and say, "These are your problems. Not my problems. And they are your problems to solve. Do not ask me for money anymore."

Tomorrow I will give him some money for gas to get a job. I will talk with him first and tell him--this is it. He shouldn't ask me for any more money. Instead of getting a job, he will probably start pawning stuff, but if he does, he does.

I can't *make* him get a job. I can only stop giving him money, which I frankly don't have right now.

Question 9: Am I looking for a quick fix to my problems? Is there one?

I am always looking for quick fixes, but alas, they rarely exist. There is no quick fix for my problems. I always think more money will fix things, but even when I had a lot in the bank in May, I managed to go through it at lightning speed--trying to fix Rudy's problems.

I need to change because I keep landing in the same place.

I am wondering if writing the answers to all these questions is actually helping me. I always think it doesn't count unless it's written down.

A topic at a meeting the other day was "self discovery." After the meeting, it occurred to me I didn't even know where to begin. True, I am pretty well versed in my flaws, but it doesn't keep me from making the very same mistakes over and over again. I have to fundamentally change my behavior, which won't be easy since I am used to doing things the same dysfunctional ways for decades.

Question 10: In what situations do I feel excessive responsibility for other people?

If anyone is in trouble with the law, particularly my son, I feel excessive responsibility to help him. I have a raging fear of jails and prisons. I also feel responsible for my son having or not having money. I feel responsible for him having a roof over his head and food to eat.

Unlike many Al Anon people I hear, I am not by nature a caregiver. This is something that is particular to my son.

Question 11: In what situations do I feel shame or embarrassment for someone else's behavior?

Rudy is well behaved and polite. He is kind to children and the elderly, and I can't remember ever being ashamed of his behavior. Okay, there was that one time at the police station when he got arrested for the DUI, and he was a real little prick to the cops.Of course, I'm usually a prick to cops, too,

I am embarrassed when people ask me what he's doing. Is he in college? Is he working? No. He's doing nothing other than drinking and smoking pot. And mostly, he sleeps all day. That's why I gave him the $5. I thought it would be good for him to be in the sunshine. Still no excuse.

C, my on-again off-again beau, can be a sloppy ass drunk. He can be a really embarrassing drunken ass, and he has been disrespectful to me in public, too; although, he seems to have gotten over that. At any rate, we haven't talked for a while. I don't know where we stand. Probably no where.

Question 12:  What brought me into Al Anon? What did I hope to gain at that time? How have my expectations changed?

I went to Al Anon because I was headed for another nervous breakdown. Also, I realized Rudy's behavior wouldn't change unless my behavior changed. I went to Al Anon for the both of us because I had completely run out of any other ideas. I was also incredibly angry at myself. I had been living in a small, cheap place in another town, and I had saved up a nice little bit of money. I was planning on buying a place. Then I scrambled around to move to accommodate Rudy who wanted to come back up here, work, and go to school. So I spent as much money to rent a place as it would have cost to buy one. First month, last month, and security--life in the recession. But I was appalled that I was so stupid to fall for the same old trick again. I don't doubt that's what he wanted to do, but he fell in with his old crowd. But even most of those dope fiends have jobs.

This is not my first go round in Al Anon by any means, but I was looking for support to change my behavior--to stop catering to my son's whims and schemes.

My expectations have changed because when I first came into Al Anon, I was really depressed. I didn't care if I were dead. I figured I had totally failed as a parent and therefore as a human being, so what difference did it make what happened to me? I was having suicidal thoughts, and now I have a garage. I was constantly stressed out about money and Rudy.

Now, I see the program is just about me. There might be good collateral affect on Rudy, but that's not something I can control. I can see that possibly I am worth something. I am seeing that possibly I can learn to live life and face life on life's terms. I also know that the changes won't happen overnight, but already, there have been positive results. I am not depressed and I am not constantly worrying over Rudy and I'm not constantly fretting over money. Okay, I'm still fretting over money--but not in the all-consuming way I usually do. I am also feeling that things will be all right.

Question 13: Who has expressed concern about my behavior? My health? My children? Give examples.

When things are bad, I tend to isolate so no one will see I'm in a bad way. S expressed concern when I was so determined to rent a new place instead of staying where I was and buying a place. My mother and even Rudy worry me to death about my health. I have been blessed with very good health despite living an unhealthy lifestyle. Other than Rudy and my mother, however, I'm not too sure anyone is that concerned about me.

Question 14: How do I know when my life is unmanageable?

I know my life is unmanageable when I have to borrow money. Luckily, I do have an okay net worth and little debt, but cash flow is a constant problem. I just got a credit card, and it has a low limit. I am still reestablishing my credit from when I had a breakdown. My life has become more manageable because my horizons have closed in--which is not a particularly good solution. Still, I ended up having to borrow a grand from S. for this move, and I hoped to pay him back this month--but no such luck. Unexpected expenses came up--I needed new brakes on the truck, the cats needed their shots (okay--not unexpected), and when I had a surfeit of cash, I didn't pay attention to where it was going.

It is true that money is a major measurement for everything for me. I probably have to think about that at some point.

Also, I have many fights with Rudy when things are unmanageable. I want his help, but he offers none. Well, he does things like bring in groceries and take out the trash. Before Rudy went to live with my mother in another state, things were really out of hand. I had to scramble to pay lawyers, the IRS was on my back as was the state, we got evicted from the apartment. That was a really charming piece of history. And, of course, in 2005, I had to sell the house because I was in huge debt (over 100K), and I had a breakdown.

I went to Al Anon because I didn't want to go back there again.