Step 1; Day 4

How have I sought affirmation and approval from others?

Well, for starters, I want everyone to think I'm smarter and richer than I really am because those are two things I obviously revere. Basically I know everything, and I'm willing to share. I'm also a chameleon--intellectual, preppy, gangsta, whatever way things seem to be rolling. I'm a phony...I put on what airs I think people will like.

Or sometimes I look for disapproval by being a raving lunatic. Approval, disapproval--hey, as long as I'm getting some type of attention, the world is right. I can have a very bad temper, and I can intimidate people. Perhaps I think this is a way to control people. Perhaps it's a defense mechanism. At any rate, I don't really have to worry about that until Step 4, do I?

Sometimes I go to extremes to impress people. Running for public office to be near A. was probably the most far fetched thing I've done for attention. Ah yes, I want the people I love to think I can perform miracles. I *did* win the election, which was pretty miraculous. I wanted to sell this mantra: you should love me because I can perform miracles. Truth is--I've gone pretty far sometimes and come close to performing them.

I definitely look for affirmation and get affirmation at work. In fact, that is probably the major source of my self esteem.

Interestingly, today at an Al Anon meeting, I copped a resentment at someone. I said I was doing my first step on a blog. She seemed slightly appalled. She said, "The steps are for you--not other people." My response was who in the hell reads blogs? I mean, unless it's highly promoted or something special.

But it has been bothering me for the past couple of hours. Perhaps this is the writer in me--why would you write anything no one's going to see? Or why would you *ever* write something down you don't want anyone to see? Also, my brain is wired to the keyboard--not some $35 notebook from Barnes and Noble.

Also, I like technology. I like making my steps visual as well.

But I confess, a part of me is creating this step blog for potential other readers. Oh, I don't have advertisements on it or even links to other blogs, but if someone stumbles upon it, that's fine. I want them to see how clever I am. I want to share it with my sponsor or other Al Anon members, so they will see how clever I am with my videos and comics and pictures. I suppose all of the above is true. But yes, I am creating this online partially because I am looking for approval.

Do I say "yes" when I want to say "no"? What happens to the ability to manage my life when I do this?

At work, I am seen as the "no" girl. At meetings, I almost always vote no. But it is hard to say no to people I love. It is hardest to say no to my son. Whatever he wants, I have always tried to make it happen. I love seeing him happy, and I guess I'm trying to make up for his childhood. He said he had an awesome childhood--but that probably had more to do with where he grew up than me. He had an absent alcoholic father and a bipolar mother, so I try to overcompensate.

Does my life become unmanageable? One reason I had to sell my house was because I had been so foolish with money. I should have been set for life. I had made an awesome profit on a piece of real estate, but I managed to fritter it all away. Once my son and I were going to Home Depot to buy a lawn mower. Instead we ended up at the boat place, and I bought a boat--new--with cash. He wanted a boat--how could I say no? But my spending sprees are not always the result of my son wanting something. Sometimes they are just symptoms of mania and bipolar disorder.

Do I care for others easily, but find it difficult to care for myself?

I find it easier to perform miracles for others than to take basic care of them. I find it difficult to take care of anyone or myself on a day-to-day basis.. I am to busy performing miracles and proving how brilliant I am to worry about mundane aspects of life.

How do I feel when life is going smoothly? Do I continually anticipate problems? Do I feel more alive in the midst of a crisis?

Life is much smoother since I joined Al Anon. In fact, this place is no longer dysfunction junction. Rudy has a better attitude and has even started to seriously look for a job. I think he may have one, but he still has interviews next week. He is very personable and charming, so he makes good impressions on bosses.

Still, smooth sailing is not that easy for me.I feel more alive and at home in the midst of a crisis because that's what I'm used to--that's what my life has been. When other people didn't cause a crisis, I learned to create one for myself. I am definitely my own worst enemy.

Before Al Anon I anticipated problems like nobody's business. I still do, but not quite as much. I definitely have a more positive attitude than I did--and a more optimistic attitude.

How well do I take care of myself?

Not very well. I have been blessed with excellent health, but I don't do a lot to take care of it. I never did. My appearance, on the other hand, I took great pains with, but the past couple of years, I've been looking pretty ratty. I don't take care of myself emotionally or physically either. I try to take care of myself financially, but I still make foolish decisions.


How do I feel when I'm alone?

I'm okay alone. In fact, I'm great at isolating. At today's meeting, the topic was "silence." I have to practice having silent times. We had a brief meditation at the end of the meeting. My thoughts were diconcerting and violent. My first thought was stabbing husband #1 with a spear, and we haven't been married for 25 years.

I'm addicted to having the television on, even if I'm not watching it. Like now, for instance, there's todays eppisode of General Hospital, which I already saw earlier.

What is the difference between pity and love?

I don't like this question. I don't like it because there is no way in my mind to define love. I think of Raymond Carver's short story "What We Talk About When We Talk About Love" (obviously not conference approved literature).  But I will say that love has equality to it; whereas, pity does not. When you pity someone, you look down on them. When you love someone, you don't look down on them.