Step 2; Day 3

What does sanity mean to you?

Sanity means not making rash decisions.
Sanity means thinking things out.
Sanity means making reasonable decisions.
Sanity means not living in chaos and confusion.
Sanity means doing simple things without having a philosophical
          discussion with myself.
Sanity means learning from mistakes--not endlessly repeating them.
Sanity means taking care of business in a timely fashion.
Sanity means having gratitude for what I do have.
Sanity means taking care of myself.
Sanity means connecting with the human race.
Sanity means connecting to God.





How has the alcoholic situation affected my sanity? My life?

My sanity (what little I've actually ever had) has been eroded by endless bad decisions and decisions made in haste--especially those decisions made *to help* the alcoholic. The decisions didn't help the alcoholic much, but they did erode the quality of my life. I found myself isolated emotionally, socially, and financially. I had a nervous breakdown in 2005. I tried to control and solve all the problems my son got himself into. Though he is still actively drinking, he hasn't gotten into problems with the police for a while. Knock on wood. No, I will let go and let God on that one.

Being an ACOA has been a challenge as everything that seems normal in life looks exotic--like a family that wasn't dysfunctional. Divorce, police, wild financial swings are a way of life.

Before I came back into Al Anon, I routinely had suicidal ideation. Other times I would just think, my life just sucks, and that's how it's going to be, so I might as well deal.

Though I do have retirement accounts (which I can't touch--probably a very good thing) and some real estate, my lack of cash prevents me from doing much of anything. For example, having budgeted these two weeks between paychecks, I am left with exactly $36 to last until Wednesday. I want to go out, I want some new clothes--I mean, I *need* some new clothes.

I mean, I make a good salary, but I live in a two-bedroom apartment in the semi-hood. There is no reason for that other than I kept making expensive decisions to benefit the alcoholic--including my last move just two months ago. Of course, where I'm living now is much better than the place I was living. And it's not that happiness and sanity should be judged by money, but sometimes money and material possessions are the tangible reflections of mental health. Or lack of mental health.

How has my thinking been distorted trying to handle alcoholic behavior?

When I came back to Al Anon, my thinking was distorted to the point that I thought I would never be happy and never have anything ever again, that my life would just suck in perpetuity. In short, I had accepted the role of victimized martyr. I was my aunt, who couldn't plan, who never had a dime and completely forfeited her own life bailing out my uncle and cousins, who took from my grandmother to give to her kids. Yes, I was becoming B.

I am becoming more positive. I am thinking God really *can* restore me to sanity. IT will not be instantaneous and it will take work, but it will happen.


How have I turned to a Power greater than myself in times of great need? Did I call another Al Anon member? My sponsor? Did I read Al Anon Conference Approved Literature (CAL)? Did I go to a meeting? If not, why not?

I considered going back to Al Anon in 2005, but I knew I wouldn't want to hear what they had to say. Besides, my son was only 15, and well, that's the past, and I can't change it.

When I realized things were going south again in the same way as usual, I decided to return to Al Anon and take it seriously. I got a sponsor, and I began to work the steps. I also got phone numbers. I hate making calls, though. I just hate it. I think working the steps is the key to the program, but I can't do it in a vacuum.

People have varying rates of working the steps. This is reflected at meetings (some do a step a week--some do a step a month). My sponsor has worked about a step a year, so she is now on her fourth step. I don't think that is the right pace for me. I tried Al Anon without working the steps--or slowly working the steps before--and it did not lead to anything  particularly fruitful--for me. I had just enough Al Anon to make me dangerous. Then again, perhaps I want to work the steps obsessively like everything else I do.

There have been no great crisises since I returned to Al Anon (other than the cash flow piece), and that is fine with me.