Step 1; Day 5

Am I attracted to alcoholics and other people who seem to need me to fix them? How have I tried to fix them?

I'm not only attracted to alcoholics, it's like I seek them out. With the exception of A., every man I've been involved with/married is/was an alcoholic. As for A., he'd never had a drink in his life. His whole family was riddled with alcoholism, and he was afraid he, too, would abdicate his power to the bottle. He was a total dry drunk.

Due to my childhood, I never really thought I could fix alcoholics, but I did think they would eventually come to their senses, join AA, and straighten out. That's what the alcoholics in my family did--with the exception of L., whom we believed was just mean and a product of the war. Even husband #1 found AA during our marriage and managed to sober up. I feared him when he was drunk; I just didn't like him when he was sober. D., on the other hand, husband #2, was one of those "unfortunates." Though he had periods of sobriety, in the end, alcohol had its victory. D ended up in prison for five years and died six months after his release.

I have a comfort level with alcoholics, though. First, if they drink too much, they can't see my faults--and I have a lot of faults. Second, if they drink too much, they can't keep secrets, so I know exactly what they are up to. For example, I can be 99% sure they aren't serial killers. It's hard to be a serial killer if you aren't 100% in control of things.

I think everyone has a flaw at least as big as alcoholism, so I tend not to trust sober men because whatever great flaw or secret they have is not immediately visible. They could have ten other wives. They could frequent dominatrixes. Or God forbid, they could be serial killers. With an alcoholic, you can be pretty sure they don't have ten other wives and they aren't serial killers because you have to be very organized and coordinated for that kind of stuff. Most dominatrixes worth their salt won't fool with drunks. Too dangerous. They aren't looking to kill someone. So alcoholism keeps people from doing anything nefarious for too long.

I never really thought I could fix the men in my life. When I met C--I knew he was an alcoholic, and I figured the relationship would be good for three years. He would be entertaining with his antics, but in the three years, I would have had enough. That's pretty much how it played out, too.

My son, of course, I have tried to fix because I thought that was my duty as his mother.

Do I trust my own feelings? Do I know what they are?

Sometimes I think I only have two feelings: Anger and fear, and those two no doubt work in tandem.

This question is making me angry because it is one of those nebulous touchy feely questions that has no definite answer. Why do those questions make me angry? Possibly because I so often ignore all my feelings except anger and fear---without those two feelings, I would be numb. There would be nothing to talk about.

The idea of serenity is even obnoxious to me at times. I think--oh look at those serene assholes. They think they are better than everyone else. I think everyone should be Howard Beale. I think I'm Howard Beale. Of course, Beale was having a breakdown.

Step 1: We admitted we were powerless over alcohol--that our lives had become unmanageable.