That is such a hard question. Sometimes I feel like the Cumaean Sibyl to whom Apollo granted eternal life, but forgot to grant eternal youth. So the Sibyl got very, very old until she turned into ash or something.
God has granted me such mixed blessings: excellent physical health, but bad mental health.
the ability to make money but not hang on to it.
But then, who doesn't get the good with the bad? "You got to take the crookeds with the straights."
But my willfulness comes in here. I can see how I want my life, and I think, "Yeah, if *this* were my life, then my concept of God would change. If God gives me what I want, then yeah, I'm cool with him.
It's easy to trust in God when your life is going well. It is not so easy when it's not.
I understand now the construction of "Came to believe." It is not an automatic thing.
But I guess my opinion of God would change if the fear were alleviated from my life and my faith were restored.
Have past experiences affected my concept of a Higher Power? If so, how?
Of, course, they have. I feel like I've been going around in circles my whole life. Though academically smart, I feel like I've been otherwise stupid my whole life on some very important issues. I have blamed God that I am a dumb ass.
My feelings toward God really changed when things got bad with my son, and I had a meltdown, sold the house, went through a lot of money, etc. I felt like a total failure as a mother, and I had lost half of my financial security. Okay, I still have more than some, but I'm just saying.
I lost spiritual connection with God. I still believed, but I didn't think God believed in me. I felt it was time to take control of my own life. No more wishing and hoping.
What do I hope to gain from accepting the concept of a Power greater than myself?
I want to walk down the right path without fear. I want to be able to deal with life on life's terms.
And yeah, I want to go back to trading stocks and not lose.
Good health for my son and me is like a given, and I want my son to find his way to happiness and a productive life.
I'm still on the source-based prayers. I do want good health and happiness for my son, and I still want it for myself--and for my mother, too.
I want the fear to go away. I want the loneliness to go away.
Do I sense spiritual guidance in my life? How?
No. At this time I feel no spiritual guidance. I used to, but it's like God has gone away. I have to look for him and hope he answers my prayers.
I went for a walk today. Okay, I walked to the store--not exactly a random walk, but I really thought about
God on my way to and from. I guess I was looking for a spiritual awakening, which is not until Step 12. The wording of Step 2 is interesting. It doesn't say God would restore us to sanity. It says he could restore us to sanity. I find that so problematic. I mean, what someone can do and will do are not necessarily the same thing. In a way, it's easy to believe God could restore me to sanity...the question is...will he?
He is a God who can restore sanity and make my life a better place to live. Or this is what I've been told. It goes back to to the could would conundrum.
What does "Let go and let God" mean to me?
It means I can't try and control and manipulate outcomes, especially in regard to other people's lives. I have to trust that God is there for others and will look after them. His will must supersede mine. It also means I won't worry and obsess over any particular problem. I can pray about things, but it's more along the lines of God's will being done--not mine. It means also to let go of guilt. It means I don't have to hang on to any sorts of obsessive thinking, and I don't have to feel guilty about not obsessively worrying. I can let go of the worry and the guilt, and God will always be there for me no matter what happens.
I have to trust and have faith in God--that he will take care of things that I cannot.
What does faith mean to me?
Faith to me means a belief in a divine plan, that what we do has meaning. It means God will be able to help me through any and all obstacles.
The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life; of whom shall I be afraid? Though an army encamp against me, my heart shall not fear; though war rise up against me, yet I will be confident. (Psalm 27: 1, 3)
With whom and in what circumstances am I comfortable discussing my spiritual experiences?
I am always the most comfortable expressing myself in writing. That said, I'm not shy talking on this topic either.
What might I gain from believing I could be supported and loved by a Power greater than myself?
In truth, the times in my life that were the best were during times I was deeply spiritual, especially when I went to church. I know what I can gain by believing and being supported by God because I've been there before, yet why is it so hard for me to believe I can be there again? Perhaps because everytime I arrive at a good place in my life, I let go of God. I'm like, "Okay, God. Everything's cool now. You can leave." When things are awful, I crawl back to God. When things are going well, I promptly forget about him. He must love that.
It means we were coming from a place where we didn't believe, but it also means it didn't necessarily happen at one time, but it might have.
But again, I'm not hung up on the came to believe part. I'm still on the could would issue. It's easy to believe God can; it's not as easy to believe he will.
But it is getting easier to believe he will just by looking at the above picture, a place where I have experienced the spirit and where my life was profoundly changed. Of course, once my life became good, I abandoned all things spiritual. It didn't occur to me God might giveth and then taketh away.
Isaiah 45:7 "I form the light and create darkness, I bring prosperity and create disaster; I, the LORD, do all these things."
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