Step 3; Day 3

How can I turn a situation over and let go of the results?

For starters, I could get a God Box. That is a tangible way to turn things over, but I'm not sure if it will keep my mind from playing tricks on me.I have to learn not to dwell on things. I can do this through prayer, meditation, calling my sponsor, and going to meetings. I cannot really pray for a specific result--or I can--but it it better to pray for guidance and acceptance of whatever result God has intended for me. That slips off the keyboard easily; however, in practice, it is much harder.

How can I stop myself from taking my will back?

I have to pray to have the strength not to take my will back.

Today was Rudy's second day of work. He has not been drinking, though he is smoking pot. I have to admit, of all the drug and alcohol evils, I find pot to be the least toxic. Anyway, he has a hard time getting to sleep at a reasonable hour. He tried going to sleep then woke up and made rigatoni and chicken for us both.

This morning I tried getting him up. It is not my responsibility to get him up, I know, and he has an alarm clock that's like a sonic boom, but still. I want him to get up and get to work. He needs the job. I need him to have the job. My will. My will. I couldn't get him up and went out on the balcony. Was I interfering in God's will with a wake-up call? Then I heard him get up and turn on the shower. I guess I feel like I should help him get up until he gets a natural pattern going. Or not. I really believe if I don't wake him up (a relentless chore), he won't get up and go to work. This is one I want to turn over to God--but not just yet.

What can I do when my loved ones make decisions I don't like?

Be supportive and turn it over to God. If it's somthing I don't feel like I can support--then just turn it over to God.

How can I let my loved ones find their own life paths as I am finding mine?

Get out of their way and mine. Don't solicit advice unless it's asked for. Don't try to fix things for them.

What can I do to try to see others as God sees them?

Really, I can't fathom how God sees anyone--if I could--then I would be God, but I can trust he has a path and a plan for each of us, and Rudy is actually religious, so the concept of God and prayer is not alien to him.

How can I express God's will in my actions and words toward others, including the alcoholic?

This seems like a loaded question--the answer being "with kindness." Truth is, I am by nature an asshole, and kindness does not come easy. At any rate, I am not nagging at him. I can also stop telling people what to do.

Step Three: Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood him.

Step 3; Day 2

Am I willing to try to turn my problems over? What could help me to be willing?

I am totally willing. I just wish I knew how. I can't always distinguish my will from God's will. I have to pray on this, so I can know the difference.

Perhaps I should make a God box. Put the problems on a piece of paper and put them in the box. That seems like a tangible way to turn my will over to God.

How can I stop thinking, trying, and considering, and actually make a decision?

There is a great line in this video: Let God be your GPS.

I hate making decisions--probably because I've made so many bad ones.Now either I overthink things--like
I can't go to the store to buy milk without having a philosophical discussion about it running through my head or I make quick thoughtless decisions just because I have to decide something.  Neither of these methods has worked very well for me.

Again, this is something else that requires prayer and meditation.

Have I had a problem making decisions in my life? 

It seems like the older I get, the harder it becomes to make decisions, and the worse my decisions become.

After I sold my 4-bedroom co-op in Manhattan for what I thought was a great profit (well, it was at the time), I had seller's remorse for years. It seemed like all my troubles started when we moved to the suburbs. For years I had dreams that I managed to buy back the co-op--of course, there is no way I could afford it now.

Then there was my sabbatical from hell. That's when I stopped writing.

Then there was the house that I shouldn't have sold, but I was in meltdown mold and in a lot of debt. I was way ahead of the bust curve.

Right now a decision is coming up whether to let my son stay home alone (yes, he's 21--but it's my home and I don't want him to trash it and I don't want to get evicted while away) when I go see my mother. I'm very torn. My mother is getting old, and I miss her, and I know she's lonely. On the other hand, I have a host of horror scenarios running through my mind if I leave Rudy on his own for a few weeks.

If I am unable to make this decision, what holds me back?

What holds me back is fear that Rudy will trash the place or I'll get evicted for something he'll do. If I stay, I will feel guilty about my mother, and I suppose I could use a vacation. I hate traveling, so I am always lukewarm about a trip untl I get there, and then I don't want to leave. I hate packing. I hate leaving things behind. When I'm here, I don't want to leave, and when I'm there I don't want to leave.

This decision has been delayed because I haven't had the money to go, but next week, I should have the money. And next week, we'll see if Rudy can hang on to this job. I don't trust him to be able to get himself up at 6AM to be there at 7AM. And frankly, I can't count on him not to have wild parties.

I can't say I'm worried about Rudy so much, I think he will be all right--though I can see him running out of money or not getting up for the job, etc., and, of course, wild parties.

I need to pray on this because I can't find the right answer. Well, I think I shouldn't leave him alone, but then I will feel terribly guilty for not seeing my mother. Of course, he just started a new job today (yay), and we'll see how that works out. If it works out--then maybe I'll have no worries. Or maybe staying is a way to not turn things over to God.

Do I trust my Higher Power to care for me?

Yes, I trust God to care of me. I don't trust him to take care of Rudy. That's totally crazy I know, but I have to learn to trust blindly.

Story behind the song - Trust and Obey

Composer John H. Sammis Writes Trust and Obey

 

John H. Sammis (1846-1919), gave up his life as a businessman and part-time YMCA worker to study for the ministry. He was ordained a Presbyterian minister in 1880 and then served at several pastorates. In his later years, Sammis taught at the Bible Institute of Los Angeles.

Daniel B. Towner (1850-1919) was music director for several well-known churches and schools, including the Moody Bible Institute. He published several music books and wrote the music for many well-loved hymns, including At Calvary and Only A Sinner Saved By Grace.

In 1887, just following an evangelistic meeting held by Dwight L. Moody, a young man stood to share his story in an after-service testimony meeting. As he was speaking, it became clear to many that he knew little about the Bible or acceptable Christian doctrine. His closing lines, however, spoke volumes to seasoned and new believers alike: I'm not quite sure. But I'm going to trust, and I'm going to obey.Daniel Towner was so struck by the power of those simple words that he quickly jotted them down, then delivered them to John Sammis, who developed the lyrics to Trust and Obey. Towner composed the music and the song quickly became a favorite. It remains popular with hymn singers today.

http://www.faithclipart.com/guide/Christian-Music/hymns-the-songs-and-the-stories/trust-and-obey-the-song-and-the-story.html

How might Step Three help me keep my hands off situations created by others?

Simple. If I truly trust God, I will trust Him to handle the situations of others without me meddling.

What consequences have I had by obsessing on problems and other people?

Let's see--I had a nervous breakdown by obsessing with problems. By obsessing with people? Holy smoke--it seems for the longest time, I was obsessed with someone. By being obsessed with one individual, I neglected the rest of my life or made plans to impress the individual. Sometimes being obsessed looked like it led to good things. I went to an Ivy League school to impress M. I ran for public office to be near A. I wrote and published poetry to be near B. I went to boarding school to be near W. I went into the travel industry, so I could fly free to Bahrain to see G. I mean, I could go on for three freaking days. I was always on some existential quest for some impossible love.

And though my past may seem interesting and picaresque to others, all my adventures (searching out some boy grail) led down paths I might not have taken. If I had it to do over, would I take that same jagged path that stretched over three continents? No. I hear people say, "I wouldn't change a thing." I would change a whole lot of things. Rudy is the only thing in my life that has real meaning. The rest is just fluff. Oh, I do have a job I really like, but I would prefer being an energy trader or futures trader--or any kind of trader--because I love the stock market--but perhaps that love came to late in life.

When I "Let Go and Let God" take care of my life, am I willing accept the guidance I receive?

I've been having a cash flow problem ever since we moved. I paid for two places one month and didn't get my deposit back on the old place. I left some furniture there and the carpet's needed cleaning, so I just told my old landlord to use the deposit. Plus, I paid first and last month's rent on my new place plus deposit--which was like paying five rents in one month.

I was majorly stressing the cash flow situation. Now that I'm in Al Anon, I decided not to stress it. I decided to let go and let God. The rent's paid, there was food in the refrigerator, the lights and gas are on, and I get paid next Thursday, so no one is going to starve. I have only been praying to God for guidance and understanding of God's will.

I swear, I didn't say one thing to God about money, but today I got a check for $500--retro pay at work, Prylet started a job he thought was part-time until July 16th--but they hired him full-time immediately and gave him a $500 advance. I found a gift card for Dunkin Donuts for $20 and at CVS last night, I got $28 Extra Bucks. Plus I found $40 in change in the bottom of my handbags--this is just amazing, and I still get paid on Thursday.

I feel like God has great plans for me. I just have to stay cool. Or humble. I did thank Him, however.

Step 3: Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood him.

How do I feel about turning my life over to a Higher Power for guidance?

I feel relieved. I feel like I will get the help I need. I'm not sure how to do it other than by asking through prayer and meditation. I am pretty amazed at how much better I feel since I've started praying, though. My biggest thing was--God, I've got problems. I'm too busy for you. Instead I should have been turning my problems over to God and asking for his guidance.  And I confess, prayer still seems like a bit of a chore, but it's such a small thing next to the benefits. It bothers me that I see prayer as a chore, and not as something I delight in, but I feel confident that will come with time.



How do I know who or what my Higher Power is?

I know my Higher Power is a great power because he has worked in my life before, but as I said, as soon as things start going good, I don't tell God to take a hike exactly--I usually thank him and give him a 1099--like he's contract labor. When things start going really good--I think I've got the power. I think I'm invinsible.
But I am finally beginning to get it--it's not me--it's God. Sure, I have to do my part, but without God, the blessings don't come.

Step 2; Day 4

In working this Step, can I describe a Step Two experience to my sponsor or my group? In a written share?

I have a tendency to carry a handbag until it gets so full, I have to switch to another one. I had three handbags that were full of stuff and lined up next to my bed. They have been full for six months.

Yesterday I prayed to be able to manage the small things in my life without a lot of fanfare, philosophizing, and angst--which handbag cleaning always causes me. There are all sorts of papers, and I never know what I'll find or what I have forgotten.

After coming home from a meeting last night, without thinking about it, I started cleaning out the handbags. This sounds stupid, I know--hardly the parting of the Red Sea, but it was amazing since I didn't stress over it.

I also got on my knees and prayed last night. I realized I needed God, and God would restore me to sanity--he has in the past--but I need to make time for God. I have to admit that I had some resentment there, but I truly believe for my life to improve that I need to make actionable steps to bring God back in my life.

I even shopped for churches. I think I will go to church on Sunday.



When have I done the same things over and over, yet expected different results?

When have I *not* done the same things over and over again, yet expected different results? How many times have I spent money in order that my son can pursue some thing that he's all excited about? How many times have I squandered money? How many times have I given men the upper hand?

It's like I have three actions that just repeat themselves, and all roads lead to a plummet in the vat.

I need to practice doing things differently when confronted with new or revisited situations.




Step 2: Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

Step 2; Day 3

What does sanity mean to you?

Sanity means not making rash decisions.
Sanity means thinking things out.
Sanity means making reasonable decisions.
Sanity means not living in chaos and confusion.
Sanity means doing simple things without having a philosophical
          discussion with myself.
Sanity means learning from mistakes--not endlessly repeating them.
Sanity means taking care of business in a timely fashion.
Sanity means having gratitude for what I do have.
Sanity means taking care of myself.
Sanity means connecting with the human race.
Sanity means connecting to God.





How has the alcoholic situation affected my sanity? My life?

My sanity (what little I've actually ever had) has been eroded by endless bad decisions and decisions made in haste--especially those decisions made *to help* the alcoholic. The decisions didn't help the alcoholic much, but they did erode the quality of my life. I found myself isolated emotionally, socially, and financially. I had a nervous breakdown in 2005. I tried to control and solve all the problems my son got himself into. Though he is still actively drinking, he hasn't gotten into problems with the police for a while. Knock on wood. No, I will let go and let God on that one.

Being an ACOA has been a challenge as everything that seems normal in life looks exotic--like a family that wasn't dysfunctional. Divorce, police, wild financial swings are a way of life.

Before I came back into Al Anon, I routinely had suicidal ideation. Other times I would just think, my life just sucks, and that's how it's going to be, so I might as well deal.

Though I do have retirement accounts (which I can't touch--probably a very good thing) and some real estate, my lack of cash prevents me from doing much of anything. For example, having budgeted these two weeks between paychecks, I am left with exactly $36 to last until Wednesday. I want to go out, I want some new clothes--I mean, I *need* some new clothes.

I mean, I make a good salary, but I live in a two-bedroom apartment in the semi-hood. There is no reason for that other than I kept making expensive decisions to benefit the alcoholic--including my last move just two months ago. Of course, where I'm living now is much better than the place I was living. And it's not that happiness and sanity should be judged by money, but sometimes money and material possessions are the tangible reflections of mental health. Or lack of mental health.

How has my thinking been distorted trying to handle alcoholic behavior?

When I came back to Al Anon, my thinking was distorted to the point that I thought I would never be happy and never have anything ever again, that my life would just suck in perpetuity. In short, I had accepted the role of victimized martyr. I was my aunt, who couldn't plan, who never had a dime and completely forfeited her own life bailing out my uncle and cousins, who took from my grandmother to give to her kids. Yes, I was becoming B.

I am becoming more positive. I am thinking God really *can* restore me to sanity. IT will not be instantaneous and it will take work, but it will happen.


How have I turned to a Power greater than myself in times of great need? Did I call another Al Anon member? My sponsor? Did I read Al Anon Conference Approved Literature (CAL)? Did I go to a meeting? If not, why not?

I considered going back to Al Anon in 2005, but I knew I wouldn't want to hear what they had to say. Besides, my son was only 15, and well, that's the past, and I can't change it.

When I realized things were going south again in the same way as usual, I decided to return to Al Anon and take it seriously. I got a sponsor, and I began to work the steps. I also got phone numbers. I hate making calls, though. I just hate it. I think working the steps is the key to the program, but I can't do it in a vacuum.

People have varying rates of working the steps. This is reflected at meetings (some do a step a week--some do a step a month). My sponsor has worked about a step a year, so she is now on her fourth step. I don't think that is the right pace for me. I tried Al Anon without working the steps--or slowly working the steps before--and it did not lead to anything  particularly fruitful--for me. I had just enough Al Anon to make me dangerous. Then again, perhaps I want to work the steps obsessively like everything else I do.

There have been no great crisises since I returned to Al Anon (other than the cash flow piece), and that is fine with me.

Step 2; Day 2

What would it take to allow my concept of my Higher Power to change?

That is such a hard question. Sometimes I feel like the Cumaean Sibyl to whom Apollo granted eternal life, but forgot to grant eternal youth. So the Sibyl got very, very old until she turned into ash or something.

God has granted me such mixed blessings: excellent physical health, but bad mental health.
                                       the ability to make money but not hang on to it.

But then, who doesn't get the good with the bad? "You got to take the crookeds with the straights."

But my willfulness comes in here. I can see how I want my life, and I think, "Yeah, if *this* were my life, then my concept of God would change. If God gives me what I want, then yeah, I'm cool with him.

It's easy to trust in God when your life is going well. It is not so easy when it's not.

I understand now the construction of "Came to believe." It is not an automatic thing.

But I guess my opinion of God would change if the fear were alleviated from my life and my faith were restored.

Have past experiences affected my concept of a Higher Power? If so, how?

Of, course, they have. I feel like I've been going around in circles my whole life. Though academically smart, I feel like I've been otherwise stupid my whole life on some very important issues. I have blamed God that I am a dumb ass.

My feelings toward God really changed when things got bad with my son, and I had a meltdown, sold the house, went through a lot of money, etc. I felt like a total failure as a mother, and I had lost half of my financial security. Okay, I still have more than some, but I'm just saying.

I lost spiritual connection with God. I still believed, but I didn't think God believed in me. I felt it was time to take control of my own life. No more wishing and hoping.


What do I hope to gain from accepting the concept of a Power greater than myself?

I want to walk down the right path without fear. I want to be able to deal with life on life's terms.

And yeah, I want to go back to trading stocks and not lose.

There is a subtext here: God loves me if he gives me money.

Good health for my son and me is like a given, and I want my son to find his way to happiness and a productive life.

I'm still on the source-based prayers. I do want good health and happiness for my son, and I still want it for myself--and for my mother, too.

I want the fear to go away. I want the loneliness to go away.

Do I sense spiritual guidance in my life? How?

No. At this time I feel no spiritual guidance. I used to, but it's like God has gone away. I have to look for him and hope he answers my prayers.

I went for a walk today. Okay, I walked to the store--not exactly a random walk, but I really thought about
God on my way to and from. I guess I was looking for a spiritual awakening, which is not until Step 12. The wording of Step 2 is interesting. It doesn't say God would restore us to sanity. It says he could restore us to sanity. I find that so problematic. I mean, what someone can do and will do are not necessarily the same thing. In a way, it's easy to believe God could restore me to sanity...the question is...will he?

      How do I describe the God I've found in Al Anon?

He is a God who can restore sanity and make my life a better place to live. Or this is what I've been told. It goes back to to the could would conundrum.

What does "Let go and let God" mean to me?

It means I can't try and control and manipulate outcomes, especially in regard to other people's lives. I have to trust that God is there for others and will look after them. His will must supersede mine. It also means I won't worry and obsess over any particular problem. I can pray about things, but it's more along the lines of God's will being done--not mine. It means also to let go of guilt. It means I don't have to hang on to any sorts of obsessive thinking, and I don't have to feel guilty about not obsessively worrying. I can let go of the worry and the guilt, and God will always be there for me no matter what happens.

I have to trust and have faith in God--that he will take care of things that I cannot.

What does faith mean to me?

Faith to me means a belief in a divine plan, that what we do has meaning. It means God will be able to help me through any and all obstacles.

                
The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of  my life; of whom shall I be afraid? Though an army encamp against me, my heart shall not fear; though war rise up against me, yet I will be confident. (Psalm 27: 1, 3)
                           

With whom and in what circumstances am I comfortable discussing my spiritual experiences?

I am always the most comfortable expressing myself in writing. That said, I'm not shy talking on this topic either.

What might I gain from believing I could be supported and loved by a Power greater than myself?

In truth, the times in my life that were the best were during times I was deeply spiritual, especially when I went to church. I know what I can gain by believing and being supported by God because I've been there before, yet why is it so hard for me to believe I can be there again? Perhaps because everytime I arrive at a good place in my life, I let go of God. I'm like, "Okay, God. Everything's cool now. You can leave." When things are awful, I crawl back to God. When things are going well, I promptly forget about him. He must love that.

What does "Came to believe" mean to me? 

It means we were coming from a place where we didn't believe, but it also means it didn't necessarily happen at one time, but it might have.

But again, I'm not hung up on the came to believe part. I'm still on the could would issue. It's easy to believe God can; it's not as easy to believe he will.

But it is getting easier to believe he will just by looking at the above picture, a place where I have experienced the spirit and where my life was profoundly changed. Of course, once my life became good, I abandoned all things spiritual. It didn't occur to me God might giveth and then taketh away.

Isaiah 45:7 "I form the light and create darkness, I bring prosperity and create disaster; I, the LORD, do all these things."

Step 2: Came to believe a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity

The Sistine Chapel--before and after restoration as described in Paths to Recovery.

1. What is my concept of a Higher Power at this time?

My concept of a Higher Power is God but not really the God of my childhood. Though I grew up in one of those literalist traditions, the God of my childhood still seemed like a better bet than the one I came to believe in later on. Though the God of my childhood  (a la Jonathan Edwards and John Milton) would fling you into the flaming pit,

there were ways around this. All you had to do was accept Jesus as your personal savior, and you wouldn't burn for all eternity. Nothing hard about that. Also, everyone was a sinner, no one was perfect, so you prayed a lot for forgiveness.

But there was also some benefit to my childhood God. For example, there was Matthew 7:7. "Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you."

This is the basis for what I call outcome-based prayer. Ask for X and you get X. Face it--this kind of a deal had massive possibilities. There was also a hymn that went along with the verse. At any rate, I'm not going to say Matthew 7:7 didn't work--it often did--but not always in the time frame of my choice; moreover, it should have come with the Chinese proverb: Be careful what you ask for. For anyone who plays the options market, it was a lot like that. Please God let Ford hit 14 strike--or at least go in that direction. You can bet Ford would hit 14--but not before time decay had either eaten away at your option or it had flat-out expired.

After my breakdown and after I lost my money, my concept of God became much more Melvillian. God just let the universe run amok--if He even existed. I no longer believed that there was a divine plan. I no longer believed that things happened for a reason. I still prayed as a pro forma motion, an insurance plan, but I didn't expect much in return.

Step 1; Day 5

Am I attracted to alcoholics and other people who seem to need me to fix them? How have I tried to fix them?

I'm not only attracted to alcoholics, it's like I seek them out. With the exception of A., every man I've been involved with/married is/was an alcoholic. As for A., he'd never had a drink in his life. His whole family was riddled with alcoholism, and he was afraid he, too, would abdicate his power to the bottle. He was a total dry drunk.

Due to my childhood, I never really thought I could fix alcoholics, but I did think they would eventually come to their senses, join AA, and straighten out. That's what the alcoholics in my family did--with the exception of L., whom we believed was just mean and a product of the war. Even husband #1 found AA during our marriage and managed to sober up. I feared him when he was drunk; I just didn't like him when he was sober. D., on the other hand, husband #2, was one of those "unfortunates." Though he had periods of sobriety, in the end, alcohol had its victory. D ended up in prison for five years and died six months after his release.

I have a comfort level with alcoholics, though. First, if they drink too much, they can't see my faults--and I have a lot of faults. Second, if they drink too much, they can't keep secrets, so I know exactly what they are up to. For example, I can be 99% sure they aren't serial killers. It's hard to be a serial killer if you aren't 100% in control of things.

I think everyone has a flaw at least as big as alcoholism, so I tend not to trust sober men because whatever great flaw or secret they have is not immediately visible. They could have ten other wives. They could frequent dominatrixes. Or God forbid, they could be serial killers. With an alcoholic, you can be pretty sure they don't have ten other wives and they aren't serial killers because you have to be very organized and coordinated for that kind of stuff. Most dominatrixes worth their salt won't fool with drunks. Too dangerous. They aren't looking to kill someone. So alcoholism keeps people from doing anything nefarious for too long.

I never really thought I could fix the men in my life. When I met C--I knew he was an alcoholic, and I figured the relationship would be good for three years. He would be entertaining with his antics, but in the three years, I would have had enough. That's pretty much how it played out, too.

My son, of course, I have tried to fix because I thought that was my duty as his mother.

Do I trust my own feelings? Do I know what they are?

Sometimes I think I only have two feelings: Anger and fear, and those two no doubt work in tandem.

This question is making me angry because it is one of those nebulous touchy feely questions that has no definite answer. Why do those questions make me angry? Possibly because I so often ignore all my feelings except anger and fear---without those two feelings, I would be numb. There would be nothing to talk about.

The idea of serenity is even obnoxious to me at times. I think--oh look at those serene assholes. They think they are better than everyone else. I think everyone should be Howard Beale. I think I'm Howard Beale. Of course, Beale was having a breakdown.

Step 1: We admitted we were powerless over alcohol--that our lives had become unmanageable.

Step 1; Day 4

How have I sought affirmation and approval from others?

Well, for starters, I want everyone to think I'm smarter and richer than I really am because those are two things I obviously revere. Basically I know everything, and I'm willing to share. I'm also a chameleon--intellectual, preppy, gangsta, whatever way things seem to be rolling. I'm a phony...I put on what airs I think people will like.

Or sometimes I look for disapproval by being a raving lunatic. Approval, disapproval--hey, as long as I'm getting some type of attention, the world is right. I can have a very bad temper, and I can intimidate people. Perhaps I think this is a way to control people. Perhaps it's a defense mechanism. At any rate, I don't really have to worry about that until Step 4, do I?

Sometimes I go to extremes to impress people. Running for public office to be near A. was probably the most far fetched thing I've done for attention. Ah yes, I want the people I love to think I can perform miracles. I *did* win the election, which was pretty miraculous. I wanted to sell this mantra: you should love me because I can perform miracles. Truth is--I've gone pretty far sometimes and come close to performing them.

I definitely look for affirmation and get affirmation at work. In fact, that is probably the major source of my self esteem.

Interestingly, today at an Al Anon meeting, I copped a resentment at someone. I said I was doing my first step on a blog. She seemed slightly appalled. She said, "The steps are for you--not other people." My response was who in the hell reads blogs? I mean, unless it's highly promoted or something special.

But it has been bothering me for the past couple of hours. Perhaps this is the writer in me--why would you write anything no one's going to see? Or why would you *ever* write something down you don't want anyone to see? Also, my brain is wired to the keyboard--not some $35 notebook from Barnes and Noble.

Also, I like technology. I like making my steps visual as well.

But I confess, a part of me is creating this step blog for potential other readers. Oh, I don't have advertisements on it or even links to other blogs, but if someone stumbles upon it, that's fine. I want them to see how clever I am. I want to share it with my sponsor or other Al Anon members, so they will see how clever I am with my videos and comics and pictures. I suppose all of the above is true. But yes, I am creating this online partially because I am looking for approval.

Do I say "yes" when I want to say "no"? What happens to the ability to manage my life when I do this?

At work, I am seen as the "no" girl. At meetings, I almost always vote no. But it is hard to say no to people I love. It is hardest to say no to my son. Whatever he wants, I have always tried to make it happen. I love seeing him happy, and I guess I'm trying to make up for his childhood. He said he had an awesome childhood--but that probably had more to do with where he grew up than me. He had an absent alcoholic father and a bipolar mother, so I try to overcompensate.

Does my life become unmanageable? One reason I had to sell my house was because I had been so foolish with money. I should have been set for life. I had made an awesome profit on a piece of real estate, but I managed to fritter it all away. Once my son and I were going to Home Depot to buy a lawn mower. Instead we ended up at the boat place, and I bought a boat--new--with cash. He wanted a boat--how could I say no? But my spending sprees are not always the result of my son wanting something. Sometimes they are just symptoms of mania and bipolar disorder.

Do I care for others easily, but find it difficult to care for myself?

I find it easier to perform miracles for others than to take basic care of them. I find it difficult to take care of anyone or myself on a day-to-day basis.. I am to busy performing miracles and proving how brilliant I am to worry about mundane aspects of life.

How do I feel when life is going smoothly? Do I continually anticipate problems? Do I feel more alive in the midst of a crisis?

Life is much smoother since I joined Al Anon. In fact, this place is no longer dysfunction junction. Rudy has a better attitude and has even started to seriously look for a job. I think he may have one, but he still has interviews next week. He is very personable and charming, so he makes good impressions on bosses.

Still, smooth sailing is not that easy for me.I feel more alive and at home in the midst of a crisis because that's what I'm used to--that's what my life has been. When other people didn't cause a crisis, I learned to create one for myself. I am definitely my own worst enemy.

Before Al Anon I anticipated problems like nobody's business. I still do, but not quite as much. I definitely have a more positive attitude than I did--and a more optimistic attitude.

How well do I take care of myself?

Not very well. I have been blessed with excellent health, but I don't do a lot to take care of it. I never did. My appearance, on the other hand, I took great pains with, but the past couple of years, I've been looking pretty ratty. I don't take care of myself emotionally or physically either. I try to take care of myself financially, but I still make foolish decisions.


How do I feel when I'm alone?

I'm okay alone. In fact, I'm great at isolating. At today's meeting, the topic was "silence." I have to practice having silent times. We had a brief meditation at the end of the meeting. My thoughts were diconcerting and violent. My first thought was stabbing husband #1 with a spear, and we haven't been married for 25 years.

I'm addicted to having the television on, even if I'm not watching it. Like now, for instance, there's todays eppisode of General Hospital, which I already saw earlier.

What is the difference between pity and love?

I don't like this question. I don't like it because there is no way in my mind to define love. I think of Raymond Carver's short story "What We Talk About When We Talk About Love" (obviously not conference approved literature).  But I will say that love has equality to it; whereas, pity does not. When you pity someone, you look down on them. When you love someone, you don't look down on them.

Step 1; Day 3

Learn as you go.

Question 8: How can I let go of others' problems without trying to solve them?

Detach with love. Wasn't that easy to say? For starters, I can stop giving my son Rudy money. Today he wanted to go to the beach, so I gave him $5. I am annoyed at myself. It is so hard for me not to give him a little bit of cash even though that little bit of cash adds up to a lot by the end of the month. It not only hurts me financially, but it is hurting him because he is not learning to be self sufficient.

I could have a talk with him and say, "These are your problems. Not my problems. And they are your problems to solve. Do not ask me for money anymore."

Tomorrow I will give him some money for gas to get a job. I will talk with him first and tell him--this is it. He shouldn't ask me for any more money. Instead of getting a job, he will probably start pawning stuff, but if he does, he does.

I can't *make* him get a job. I can only stop giving him money, which I frankly don't have right now.

Question 9: Am I looking for a quick fix to my problems? Is there one?

I am always looking for quick fixes, but alas, they rarely exist. There is no quick fix for my problems. I always think more money will fix things, but even when I had a lot in the bank in May, I managed to go through it at lightning speed--trying to fix Rudy's problems.

I need to change because I keep landing in the same place.

I am wondering if writing the answers to all these questions is actually helping me. I always think it doesn't count unless it's written down.

A topic at a meeting the other day was "self discovery." After the meeting, it occurred to me I didn't even know where to begin. True, I am pretty well versed in my flaws, but it doesn't keep me from making the very same mistakes over and over again. I have to fundamentally change my behavior, which won't be easy since I am used to doing things the same dysfunctional ways for decades.

Question 10: In what situations do I feel excessive responsibility for other people?

If anyone is in trouble with the law, particularly my son, I feel excessive responsibility to help him. I have a raging fear of jails and prisons. I also feel responsible for my son having or not having money. I feel responsible for him having a roof over his head and food to eat.

Unlike many Al Anon people I hear, I am not by nature a caregiver. This is something that is particular to my son.

Question 11: In what situations do I feel shame or embarrassment for someone else's behavior?

Rudy is well behaved and polite. He is kind to children and the elderly, and I can't remember ever being ashamed of his behavior. Okay, there was that one time at the police station when he got arrested for the DUI, and he was a real little prick to the cops.Of course, I'm usually a prick to cops, too,

I am embarrassed when people ask me what he's doing. Is he in college? Is he working? No. He's doing nothing other than drinking and smoking pot. And mostly, he sleeps all day. That's why I gave him the $5. I thought it would be good for him to be in the sunshine. Still no excuse.

C, my on-again off-again beau, can be a sloppy ass drunk. He can be a really embarrassing drunken ass, and he has been disrespectful to me in public, too; although, he seems to have gotten over that. At any rate, we haven't talked for a while. I don't know where we stand. Probably no where.

Question 12:  What brought me into Al Anon? What did I hope to gain at that time? How have my expectations changed?

I went to Al Anon because I was headed for another nervous breakdown. Also, I realized Rudy's behavior wouldn't change unless my behavior changed. I went to Al Anon for the both of us because I had completely run out of any other ideas. I was also incredibly angry at myself. I had been living in a small, cheap place in another town, and I had saved up a nice little bit of money. I was planning on buying a place. Then I scrambled around to move to accommodate Rudy who wanted to come back up here, work, and go to school. So I spent as much money to rent a place as it would have cost to buy one. First month, last month, and security--life in the recession. But I was appalled that I was so stupid to fall for the same old trick again. I don't doubt that's what he wanted to do, but he fell in with his old crowd. But even most of those dope fiends have jobs.

This is not my first go round in Al Anon by any means, but I was looking for support to change my behavior--to stop catering to my son's whims and schemes.

My expectations have changed because when I first came into Al Anon, I was really depressed. I didn't care if I were dead. I figured I had totally failed as a parent and therefore as a human being, so what difference did it make what happened to me? I was having suicidal thoughts, and now I have a garage. I was constantly stressed out about money and Rudy.

Now, I see the program is just about me. There might be good collateral affect on Rudy, but that's not something I can control. I can see that possibly I am worth something. I am seeing that possibly I can learn to live life and face life on life's terms. I also know that the changes won't happen overnight, but already, there have been positive results. I am not depressed and I am not constantly worrying over Rudy and I'm not constantly fretting over money. Okay, I'm still fretting over money--but not in the all-consuming way I usually do. I am also feeling that things will be all right.

Question 13: Who has expressed concern about my behavior? My health? My children? Give examples.

When things are bad, I tend to isolate so no one will see I'm in a bad way. S expressed concern when I was so determined to rent a new place instead of staying where I was and buying a place. My mother and even Rudy worry me to death about my health. I have been blessed with very good health despite living an unhealthy lifestyle. Other than Rudy and my mother, however, I'm not too sure anyone is that concerned about me.

Question 14: How do I know when my life is unmanageable?

I know my life is unmanageable when I have to borrow money. Luckily, I do have an okay net worth and little debt, but cash flow is a constant problem. I just got a credit card, and it has a low limit. I am still reestablishing my credit from when I had a breakdown. My life has become more manageable because my horizons have closed in--which is not a particularly good solution. Still, I ended up having to borrow a grand from S. for this move, and I hoped to pay him back this month--but no such luck. Unexpected expenses came up--I needed new brakes on the truck, the cats needed their shots (okay--not unexpected), and when I had a surfeit of cash, I didn't pay attention to where it was going.

It is true that money is a major measurement for everything for me. I probably have to think about that at some point.

Also, I have many fights with Rudy when things are unmanageable. I want his help, but he offers none. Well, he does things like bring in groceries and take out the trash. Before Rudy went to live with my mother in another state, things were really out of hand. I had to scramble to pay lawyers, the IRS was on my back as was the state, we got evicted from the apartment. That was a really charming piece of history. And, of course, in 2005, I had to sell the house because I was in huge debt (over 100K), and I had a breakdown.

I went to Al Anon because I didn't want to go back there again.

Step 1; Day 2

At a meeting this morning I heard the following:

I need to change because I'm the one doing the suffering.

I'm going to take notes at meetings. Otherwise, I will forget many reasons why I am there to begin with.



Question 5: What means have I used to get what I want and need? What might work better to get my needs met?

This is an impossible question since I don't even know what I want half the time. A friend once asked me, "What does Stacy want?"  I had no clue. For a long time I've felt like my now sad, small existence was my lot in life, and I just needed to deal. What I wanted (even if I knew) and what I needed seemed totally irrelevant. The only things I could say for sure I wanted was for my son to be safe, healthy, and happy, and I wanted a lot of cash for security and to play the stock market.

Let's go with those two things. In my quest to secure a safe, healthy, and happy life for my son, I spent money like crazy. I paid tuition for military school, I paid tuition for another private school, I took a felony wrap for him (I got off through accelerated rehabilitation), I spent tons on lawyers getting him out of trouble for accessory to car theft, 2 DUIs, and I had to pay a lawyer to defend me for the felony I didn't commit. He was also arrested for criminal trespassing, and we fled the state for a year. Later I got it straightened out with a friend who was friends with the DA.

I am not ready to say I did the wrong thing at that time. I did not want him having a felony on his record at such a young age. Had I not taken the wrap for the felony, he would have gotten sent to some juvenile facility. This is not Al Anon thinking--but at his age, I felt the consequences were more serious than the actions. (He did not steal a car--he was only riding in it--and I don't think he knew it was stolen.)

Now, however, he is 21. I can't protect him anymore, and he has to live with his own choices. Perhaps that's what I should have done in the past, but that's water under the bridge. Still, I have a son who believes rules don't apply to him (and I taught him this), and there was always going to be an unlimited supply of money.

But enough about him. I love trading stocks, but I have lost a lot of money on the stock market. I am as good as the next person at trading--I can read charts, etc., but I sabotage myself. In the end, I lose money because I can't get out of bad trades. I know this, and watch my money dwindle away. I am not psychologically suited to trade because as soon as things start going well, I sabotage myself. The stock market is just one example. I have sabotaged every aspect of my life.

                                                                                                                  



To better get my needs met, I need to take control over my own life and my own money. I have to stop enabling my son--and I still do so by giving him money. At least he hasn't gotten in trouble with the law for some time. I need to separate what I need from the obligation I have to others--specifically my son and my mother.

I need to think before I act, I need to keep the focus on myself. I need to learn how to write about my feelings. I need to know what all of this even means. Things are better since I've been attending Al Anon meetings--100% better as far as my relationship with my son. Financially, I'm struggling right now, but maybe I focus too much on money. Maybe the money will take care of itself.

I need to call my sponsor and ask for advice. I need to call more Al Anon members for answers.

Question 6: How do I feel when the alcoholic refuses to be and do what I want? How do I respond?

I used to respond with anger and sarcasm and threats, but that got me nowhere. I realize my son has a disease, so I now have compassion for him. I didn't realize how my words hurt him and made things worse.
Last night he wanted to borrow my truck. I wanted him to take out the trash and bring up a case of water. I gave him the keys after he'd done these tasks. I know, I know. I shouldn't have lent him my truck when he has his own car (that had no gas)--and the car, well, that was a gift from his grandmother.

I still have a long way to go with enabling. I will talk to my sponsor about making a plan. Or not making a plan.

There are so many things I don't know how to handle on my own, but at least today I don't feel overwhelmed. I know there is help out there. I have a sponsor, meetings, and a Higher Power.

Question 7: What would happen if I stopped trying to change the alcoholic or anyone else?


I would be less frustrated and angry because my efforts to change my son have been fruitless. I don't know what would happen. Maybe things would stay the same--maybe not. His attitude has improved since I have stopped nagging him, but he is still drinking and smoking pot, and he still doesn't have a job.If he had a job, however, or was making a serious effort to look, I would be in denial that he was an alcoholic.

But the nagging leads nowhere, and throwing money at the problem (the recent move to accommodate his plans to work and return to college) are a dead end road.

Step 1: We admitted we were powerless over alcohol--that our lives had become unmanageable

I decided to return to Al Anon (for the fourth time). The other three times I quit after my qualifiers moved out. It was good support, but deep down, I really didn't think *I* needed to change. After my son moved back in, and I once again found life unmanageable, I decided to go back to Al Anon, but this time, I was serious. I got a sponsor and decided to actually work the steps.

I bought the book Path to Recovery, which talks about each step and then lists questions in the back. I'm just going to answer the questions, which I'll reprint here--probably in violation of copyright--but I'll take my chances.

Question 1:  Do I accept that I cannot control another person's drinking? Another person's behavior?

Yes. I accept that. I didn't cause it. I can't control it. I can't cure it. I can't control anyone's behavior either. They are going to do what they are going to do. Did I make some mistakes in the past? Absolutely. But the past is over, and there's nothing I can change about the past now. I must start where I find myself.

Question 2: How do I recognize that the alcoholic is an individual with habits, characteristics, and ways of reacting to daily happenings that are different from mine?

                                                                                                 
This is a hard question. Maybe it is a hard question because I don't know the answer. I don't think of my son as an individual. I think of him as my son. I see his actions in terms of what I would do, or what I did, or what I know--and if he would only listen and take my advice, he could benefit from my experience, and he could have a better life than I have. But first, I'm realizing how messed up I still am, and I'm realizing he is an individual--not just my co-dependent.

Since I have been going to Al Anon the past three weeks, there has been very little discord in the house, and I am beginning to notice things about him. He has very bad nerves. Perhaps this is because of the drinking. He is also being more cooperative.

Still, I have to work on seeing him as an individual--a person apart from me.

Questions 3: Do I accept that alcoholism is a disease? How does that change how I deal with the drinker?

                                                                  
Yes. I am much kinder to my son. I am not nagging and sarcastic, but I still enable him. I am working on the enabling part, though, but it scares me. At a meeting the other night, someone said, "I used to think if I didn't do this, my son would die." I knew exactly what the person meant. On the other hand, when my son was younger, I feel my job was to just keep him alive. I still feel that way, but that's an issue I have to turn over to God.

Question 4: How have I tried to change others in my life? What were the consequences?


Other than my son, I have really never been big on trying to change people. I never thought I had the power to change people, and I was right, but this attitude was more grounded in helplessness than powerlessness. I thought people could be changed, I just couldn't do it. I wasn't Machiavellian enough. I always admired people like my old love Victor who could control and manipulate everyone. Of course, eventually they caught on and turned on him, but I envied his talent at manipulation.

The consequences of trying to change my son? Nothing changed. He grew older and has managed to stay out of trouble for the past three years (knock on wood), but the same issues are there and the same problems. Things only began to improve after I entered Al Anon.

Okay. That's enough for tonight. May your Higher Power be with you.